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Post by moniker on Dec 3, 2005 16:39:17 GMT -5
Wool
It's winter in NYC. Which means it's cold, damn cold. Wool can keep you warm but it will also keep you scratching. But scratching keeps you warm. So... I'll just stay inside and avoid both the cold and the scratching. Wool gets zero bullets.
Next topic: Any personality on the Today Show
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Post by MW on Dec 3, 2005 19:44:06 GMT -5
Katie Couric Man, I hate Katie Couric. I think it has a lot to do with her teeth. Minus 12 bullets.Next: drawbridges
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Post by BG on Dec 4, 2005 2:56:54 GMT -5
Drawbridges
It's awesome in action movies where someone uses a drawbridge to make a sweet jump in a car. On the other hand, I hate waiting for them.
Plus 1 bullet.
Next: Photo booths
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Post by VDeep on Dec 4, 2005 3:25:36 GMT -5
PHOTO BOOTHS
There used to be one of these near where I lived. Now it's gone. I bet they're almost ALL gone now. Still, there was that Pete & Pete episode where Ellen worked in one, and Pete explained that if you had to go to the bathroom, you just had to wait it out. That explained a lot, as I had always wondered about that myself. Nostalgic, yet no longer necessary. Tough call.
Plus 2 bullets.
Next: Making money hand-over-fist
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TB
Depresso
If you're attractive enough on the outside, people will forgive you for being irritating to the core
Posts: 81
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Post by TB on Dec 4, 2005 21:25:07 GMT -5
Making Money Hand-Over-Fist
Alas, this was yet another expression that I've heard a dozen times and never really understood (although I always pretended that I did). I looked it up, and it turns out this expression goes back to the days when men used to pull rope hand over hand, and didn't have robots to do it for them. Hand over hand turned into hand over fist, and apparently means something along the lines of "making steady advances." Generally I think making money this way is good, because the only alternatives are losing money (never good) and winning the lottery, which is never as glorious as it seems because the IRS always gets half or something like that. Therefore, making money hand-over-fist gets plus 2 bullets. Now maybe someone can explain to me where the hell "tongue-in-cheek" comes from.
Next: Mistletoe
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Post by MW on Dec 4, 2005 22:44:40 GMT -5
MISTLETOE The whole tradition of mistletoe just offends me. Honestly, why would I need some kind of foliage over my head just to get some girl to kiss me? What does that say about me as a single male in his prime years? I mean, at least on New Year's you just kiss at midnight -- there's no holding of an oak leaf or anything over anyone's head. What? If I ask a girl to kiss me on Christmas, is she going to say no because I didn't have any mistletoe? Shouldn't she just want to kiss me because I'm such an attractive and interesting guy? Well? Shouldn't she? Minus 10 angry bullets. Next: Shipping Charges
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Post by moniker on Dec 5, 2005 9:42:52 GMT -5
Shipping Charges
Shipping charges are the main reason I rarely shop online. You think you're getting a good deal and then the shipping charges make it cost as much as in the store. Well, damnit, I'll just go to the store and take my product home and that way I won't have to wait for you to ship it. In fact, shipping is a huge inconvenience-- I want my purchase immediately. You should really be paying ME for waiting so patiently for those CDs to arrive. Shipping charges get minus gets $5.95 worth of bullets to arrive in 7 to 10 business days.
Next topic: Hand lotion
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TB
Depresso
If you're attractive enough on the outside, people will forgive you for being irritating to the core
Posts: 81
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Post by TB on Dec 5, 2005 12:45:30 GMT -5
Hand Lotion
Everybody uses it, but not everybody talks about it. There's a terrible double standard that exists with lotion. Women always seem to have zillions of bottles of it lying around, and that's okay. What woman hasn't given or received some kind of Bath and Body moisturizer every single Christmas EVER?
However, men don't get away with it so easily. It's hard not to jump to conclusions when you walk into some guy's bedroom and there's a family-sized bottle of Skin-So-Soft next to his autographed photo of Angelina Jolie. Nevermind that he's a surgeon, and that hand lotion is the only thing keeping his dry, overwashed hands from snapping off entirely. Nevermind that Angelina Jolie is his sister. Guys really have it rough in this department, but then again, they do make more money than women in the work force.
Therefore, hand lotion gets plus 1 bullet for evening things out in the world a bit... and because I like starting lotion-related rumors.
Next: Collagen injections
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Post by JE on Dec 6, 2005 12:01:49 GMT -5
Collagen Injections
Everyone knows that I have full, luscious, pouty, kissable lips. Therefore, I personally have no need for them. But there are those who are not so lucky. Perhaps this is the reason I haven't been kissed very much lately. I'll bet the ladies are intimidated. Don't be. I'm not prejudiced against any lips, but if you feel that collagen injections will give you the confidence you need to get all makey-outey with me, then go for it!
A modest plus 3 bullets for technology that brings the world closer...to my full, luscious, pouty, kissable lips.
Ladies, i'll see you at makeout creek!
NEXT: Cherry Hill, New Jersey.
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Post by Sean Jarrard on Dec 8, 2005 14:32:27 GMT -5
Cherry Hill, New Jersey
My roommate went to high school in Cherry Hill. He seems pretty ok to me. +2 bullets
Next: khaki
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Post by BG on Dec 9, 2005 21:55:35 GMT -5
Khaki
For the longest time, I assumed that only absolute pricks wore khaki. Then I met MW, who would also wear the fabric, and he proved every assumption I had to be correct. plus 1 bullet
Next: self-deprecation
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Post by moniker on Dec 13, 2005 9:15:05 GMT -5
Self-deprication
I was going to let one of the funnier message board members answer this as I'm sure I won't make it as funny as they would. But they took too long. However, this critique will likely suck, so I'll just stop now and save myself the embarassment. Who am I to judge self-deprication? I guess give it however many bullets you want.
Next topic: penguins
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TB
Depresso
If you're attractive enough on the outside, people will forgive you for being irritating to the core
Posts: 81
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Post by TB on Dec 13, 2005 19:24:39 GMT -5
PENGUINS
Five minutes in front of a Discovery Channel special were enough to convince me that penguins really have it rough. First of all, they can't fly, which makes migration a little troublesome, plus they have to take a lot of crap from all the other birds. Secondly, the female penguins are often identifiable by the muddy footprints on their backs. Why? During mating, the males quite literally walk all over them. Thirdly, they tend to get eaten by killer whales. Lastly, after starring in the major motion picture "March of the Penguins," I'm fairly certain that not one of those penguins got paid. Morgan Freeman, on the other hand, made a small fortune... for narrating.
I wouldn't want to be a penguin. I don't do sub-arctic temperatures and being eaten by whales. Penguins get plus 4 bullets for not going the way of the dodo.
Next: Last-minute Christmas shoppers
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JE
Depresso
Posts: 67
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Post by JE on Dec 13, 2005 21:33:08 GMT -5
Last Minute Christmas Shoppers
At first, I thought I would spend an entire entry making fun of these alleged procrastinators. Then I realized that, with the cancellation of the beloved tv show "American Gladiators", that they are the closest thing we have to Gladiators here in America.
Maybe it's the last second sales that draw them from the comfort of their homes into the treacherous commercial arenas we call malls. Maybe they forgot about Cousin Merle, or Uncle Yancy on Petunia Lane, or Aunt Petunia from Yancy Street. And, granted, they usually aren't in the best shape, if any.
But they are all Gladiators still.
It brings me great joy to see these combatants duke it out over the last Xobx, not realizing that it's not, in fact, the coveted Xbox 360 and that their kids will not be impressed by it's Atari-esque graphics.
A well earned 4 bullets for these pure athletes. I mean, why else would they all be in tracksuits?
Next Topic: National Public Radio
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Post by MW on Dec 13, 2005 23:08:34 GMT -5
NATIONAL PUBLIC RADIO For full effect, please read the following paragraph aloud in a soothing monotone. Back in the ramshackle days of the early 1880s, when adventurous rangers embarked across the country side and rippled through placid lakes with their wagon trains pulled by majestic oxen, the people only had their stories to tell for entertainment, and it was their great voices that led later to the birth of NPR. It all reminds me of an amusing limerick I once heard: There once was a radio network behind microphones the hosts, they would lurk two guys who like cars a few minor stars who laugh at Sedaris's one quirk Republican House officials denied these claims, even though former Majority Leader Tom DeLay remains under indictment. This post has been brought to you by the Money Foundaition: "By money, for money," and Wal-Mart, who should never fund public radio, ever. Plus 4 bullets. Up next on The MW Blog message board: Lamps that clamp to the edge of the desk This is MW, and you're reading the M-W Blaaaaahg.
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