Rapid-fire opinions

[VDeep]

GRAMMATICALLY INCORRECT VERBS

Grammaticizing your paragraphs with extra-vocabulated verbs is an unrejectable method of releveraging the ballyard in conversationary situations. A technique pioneeritized by no less a personage than Don King himself, this remains a powerfulous utensil in sculptifying an abecedary system to beneficiate the grandiositude of your verbial output. Never would I not recommend evadiating the anti-fantastic methodology this can promotiate. Plus 3 bullets

Next: Quantum Leap

[TB]

QUANTUM LEAP

I think this show really should have been named "F'ing with Scott Bakula". As I recall, Scott's character, Sam something-or-other, was able to jump into the bodies of people who usually needed severe therapy. He got to be all these cool guys for a while, and then the writers started forcing him to dress in drag. He always looked a little uncomfortable in earrings and lipstick. One time, he was even a monkey. They justified that with some sort of scientific gibberish, but really, I think Scott had just lost a bet.

And did anyone notice the subtle sexual tension between Sam and that invisible guy?

Quantum Leap gets plus 2 bullets, since Scott Bakula was obviously a very good sport despite the writing, and even on Enterprise, we still call him "The Quantum Leap Guy."

Next: Pampered Chef Parties

[MW]

PAMPERED CHEF PARTIES

Here's a question: As a society, do we really want our chefs to be pampered? Personally, it's my belief that chefs should be made to do their job and cook me some ribs when I damn well say so, not off getting manicures or sitting in saunas or something. I certainly don't think we should be celebrating this idea with a "party," political or otherwise. The Pampered Chef Party's .00003 percent chunk of the vote back in 1996 gave us all a scare, let me tell you. Concerning what goes on at the parties themselves, pretty much all I know about is that they concern the selling of products like super-special pizza cutters and ice cream scoops with stuff in the handle that makes it easier to scoop frozed stuff. Or, in other words, a pizza cutter and an ice cream scoop. At least Tupperware was something you couldn't actually get anywhere else. Minus 5 bullets.

Next: This "Rapid-Fire Opinions" Thread

[BG]

This "Rapid Fire Opinions" Thread:

Well, this one is a tricky thing rate. It kind of recalls MW's opinions piece where he rated his opinions pieces. Hmmm...well, it's gotten some JE and some VDeep which is always a good thing. But there's a little too much TB going around, if you know what I mean? Did you see when she called me pompous? You know what I heard? I heard TB once kicked a bum just because she could.

Anyway, this thread has its highs and lows. So I'll just go ahead and say anything on this thread written by me gets plus 18 bullets. Anything written by JE, VDeep, or MW gets plus 6. Anything written by TB gets minus 2 bullets.

Next Topic: Unsweetened Iced Tea

[moniker]

Unsweatened Iced Tea

Unsweatened Iced tea falls into the category of things you can consume that don't contain sugar. The only reason this category exists is because of diabetes. Stupid disease. All "oh, oh, insulin" or whatever. Lame. Minus 7 bullets.

Next topic: Water cooler conversations

[BG]

Water Cooler Conversations

In various newspaper comics and tv shows and what have you water cooler conversations seem to be a fairly typical standby....gag? No, they're not actually a gag. I guess they're more of a venue. And while Dilbert might be able to say something funny and poignant about those knuckleheads in marketing at a water cooler, I had to wonder if people really did that. To this date, I haven't worked at a single place that even had a water cooler, they've all had water fountains. Do you realize how disconcerting it would be if some guy stood there talking to you while you leaned over to get a drink?

Anyway, this is a long way of saying I don't know much about water cooler conversations. But I don't like Dilbert, so they get

minus 1 bullet

Next: Esperanto

[JE]

"ESPERANTO"

At first, I thought that this was a new kind of coffee beverage. I marched proudly into the Starbucks and ordered a Venti Esperanto. The slack-jawed registered jockey looked at me puzzled. I pelted her with coffee stirs for a bit, then headed home.

One trip to Wikipedia later, I found out that Esperanto is, in fact, a language. It CLAIMS to be universal, and it CLAIMS to be easy to learn. But, clearly, nobody outside of Red Dwarf speaks it (see? that's what Nivelo means!), and clearly, it's based mostly off of Indo-European languages, or, as they're more popularly known in the tanner lands, whitey tounges.

But, I like to award effort, even if the results fall short. Only minus one bullet

[MW]

New Topic: Cardboard

[moniker]

Cardboard

I have a lot of experience with cardboard. At work after I order all the office supplies and put them up, I have to break down the boxes and throw them away. While this part of my job only lasts about 20 minutes a week, it still annoys me to no end. However, I don't want to take away from cardboard based solely on this.

There are a lot of positives to cardboard. Namely, when you lose your home, it offers you one free of charge-- unless you have to buy it for $2 from the homeless guy next door. Also, cardboard provides an excellent work opportunity for people who have to stand on the street with the sandwhich board signs. If that's not a quality job, I don't know what is.

For being so versatile and helping out all of the poor people who can't afford "rent" or "a good job," cardboard gets plus two bullets.

Next topic: Picture frames

[TB]

PICTURE FRAMES

I think picture frames are good in theory... I mean, they protect your umpteen pictures of your beloved family dog from being eaten by your 2-yr-old (OR the family dog), and you can get them in any color and design so you can be as obnoxious as my grandmother and match everything in your house.

My biggest issue with them is that they always cost more than the picture you put in them PLUS the film and Super Incredible Zoom Spectacular Camera that you took put it in. I wonder what the frame on the Mona Lisa would be worth... I might consider a career in art frame burglary. But the point is, I shouldn't have to feel like it's Christmas time just to find some awful unused "A Friend Is..." frame in the attic.

The worst thing is, I always break them. I'll never forget that time I launched a tinker toy across the room and shattered my neighbor's $100 dollar frame in one huge, glorious explosion of glass. In the end I think I did them a favor... that frame was damn ugly.

I guess I'll give picture frames minus 1 bullet for not living up to the theory (much like socialism).

Also, to maintain the balance around here, I give BG and everyone else in cahoots with him minus 2 bullets. So there.

Next: My Little Ponies

[moniker]

My Little Ponies

When I was young, I think I had 2 My Little Ponies. But my best friend had ALL the My Little Ponies. Think upwards of 70 ponies in one closet. It was a little disturbing to see all those ponies out on the floor of her room all set up in a herd of My Little Ponies. I think I may have had nightmares. This is a very negative My Little Ponies experience-- as are the ones each time they remember them on I love the 80's/Strikes Back/3D/And again/One more time/Another one/And again again. So I'm going to give the little ponies Minus 15 bullets.

Next topic: Color coding

[TB]

COLOR CODING

Before my office-working days, I always felt that color coding was an unnecessary cliche in organization. However, you'd be amazed at how quickly people lose the ability to read 30 minutes shy of the lunch hour. For the longest time, people would remove and refile my charts that I needed for the next business day and would put all the unneeded charts in the basket that had a big obvious sign on it that read: "Charts for Tomorrow. " It was really quite frustrating, but as soon as I added a little Red marker to one basket and splash of Blue to the other.... VOILA! The chaos ended.

Color coding gets plus 4 bullets for keeping all the office imbeciles in line.


NEXT: Mimes

[VDeep]

MIMES

I've always felt mimes have gotten a bum deal. Every depiction of them in the media has been a negative one. I guess I can understand if a lot of people find them annoying but consider this: Annoying people are everywhere. Given the choice, wouldn't you rather have an annoying person who doesn't talk? Still not convinced? Okay, ever seen a mime on a cell phone? Plus 1 bullet.

NEXT: Mel Brooks

[MW]

MEL BROOKS

God bless Mel Brooks. Plus 20 bullets.

Next: The number 12

[moniker]

The Number 12

12 is the number after the very repetative 11 and before the evil 13. Therefore it is influenced by both of these "sibling numbers." Life has been rough for the number 12 with all that repetition, repetition, and vileness all around, it's like having an evil older brother and a younger sister with a speech impediment, speech impediment. Not to mention the number 12 has been estranged from its former lover, baker, for years, who chose to alter his "dozen" status in favor of the more evil older brother, 13. Yep, it's been tough for 12, and I think it's time we show some love. I give the number 12 plus 12 bullets.

Next topic: Coat check